2002-11-30 - 3:32 a.m.
if you ever wondered what the word pathetic would look like if you transcribed it into human form, it would be on our faces.
it's so obvious to everyone, even us. but we pretend and we deny and we wait. we wait for our perfect time that never comes.
he rests his head on my lap.he smiles. he remembers valentine cards from years passed. he says these sincere little statements that he tries to hide in apathy, but i see through it. we all see through it. and it's so easy to get upset over this. and it's so easy to want this.
if this is all so easy, then why does this seem so complicated.
part of me just wants to reach out to him. part of me just wants to revel in this affinity that never seems to disappear. but i can't. i just can't take the leap. this concept of time and what is the right or wrong time. this rules us. this rules out any other option besides friendship and it's slowly killing me.
these long breaks are the worst. each 4 hour drive he makes ruins me a little more. thanksgiving then christmas then new years. i'll be an empty shell by spring, dried up and worn down.
