2002-10-03 - 4:07 p.m.
i suppose that my fears are consuming me to the point where i can't even sleep soundly anymore.
it was one of the worst dreams i've had in a while and it makes me think that maybe i'm not as over things as i think i am. i strive to be a strong or level headed girl, but i'm failing miserably.
i'm in a car with andrew, amanda, and alan. bob is driving, and i have no clue why. we drop andrew off in his quiet suburban complex. we all get out of the car to say bye to him and for some reason alan and amanda kiss each other and alan says,"i love you" to amanda. i'm furious. the strange thing is though that i was more angry with amanda than anyone else. i couldn't deal with it or thier half-assed explanations. so, i ran. i ran as far as i could, which wasn't very far. i was struggling and climbing over fences of various sorts...chain, picket, you name it and i somehow threw myself over it.
no matter how hard i tried, matt(yes, matt was there for a split second),alan, and amanda weren't too far off in their pursuit and i'm too out of shape to out run them. so, i go into the first house i see. it's dark and i'm scared. a strange lobotomy experiment gone wrong is in the house as well, and i'm forced to lock him in a room with no door hanldles on the inside of the room to prevent him from getting out and attacking me. so, i'm trying my best to escape from this house without setting off the alarm and i can hear amanda and alan not too far behind me. finally, i get the alarm off and get out.
i then walk across the street to a little cafe, which was identical to a cafe emily and i went to in San Francisco. i get a cup of coffee and sit down. it's then that amanda walks in. we have words and she seems apathetic as to how distraught i am over the alan situation. i get so angry and she won't let me leave. i'm forced to grab her and punch her in the stomach. she collapses and i escape to the street. the street is no longer the suburban complex which we left andrew in, it's the cold streets of san francisco. i'm freezing in my t-shirt and sandals, but i walk on and try to forget about the fact that alan and amanda are together.
nicole says that dream had all my fears rolled into one and was a perfect description of how i approach things. i think i agree with her.
the odd thing is that this was so scary to me on so many levels, and its not a conventionally scary dream. i woke up in a sweat and felt like crying. the fear of that dream possibly being real is so ridiculous but it still had me uneasy all day.
